Off-Day

Monday, Tuesday, Offday. Thursday. Offday. Saturday. Sunday. Offday. I feel as though I'm on this roller coaster and I need to get off of it, very soon. I know we all have "off-days" but I'm so tired of them occurring almost every other day!! I know a lot of it has to do with my situation and I'm trying to better it, only sometimes I just don't know how. Sometimes I don't have the energy to keep moving forward. I want to, I need to, my will isn't strong enough sometimes. And so the days continue to resemble one another, I find myself in a daze, wishing and hoping for that spark of energy to motivate some real, significant change. I get away sometimes, good friends are a God-send, but at the end of the day I'm still right where I am. I need to get it together. I really do. I love being a Mommy. I love my son. I want to do what's best for him and for me. But sometimes, I just don't know what, exactly, that is. I'm afraid, I think, of making changes. What if I don't make it? What if I fail? If I do not succeed, I not only fail myself, but I fail my son. Too many wonders, too many worries. That's what happens when you are left alone constantly with only your own thoughts for company. It's hard. But it's another day. Gotta keep moving forward. I can't help but feel but so overwhelmed sometimes..it feels hopeless. But I know it's not....there's always that sunshine at the end of the storm. I do see my sunshine, although faint, peeking through these clouds. I haven't given up, nor will I ever give up. 

MORNING

I'm depressed today, I'm not sure why
When there's not a single cloud
In the Crayola blue sky
Have to get up
Have to get moving
Instead I stare into the abyss
Of such emptiness
What's wrong with me
No one can say
No one can tell
No one can see
I don't even know
Who I was really
Supposed to be
I look in the mirror
I feel so low
I've lost all ability
To let feelings show
Walking around
Going through the movements
While my mind floats
Away, away, away
My body doesn't though
And so I stay
For yet for another day
I always pray
That happiness will eventually
Fill my heart
Cause somewhere
Somehow
I'll figure out this part.

~Sheena Leigh Sherrange

PLUMB lyrics

Pennyless lyrics

Blind soul lost in Chicago
She fell asleep under a bridge
Drowning out the sound of her sorrow
She's finding it hard to exist

[Chorus:]
She keeps running into herself
Hoping to find sombody else
She keep running into herself
Hoping that she'll get out of wonderland

Fame and fortune didn't become her
So she says pennyless
Needing so much more than tomorrow
As she stares at the scars on her wrist

[Repeat Chorus]

She keeps running into herself
Hoping to find somebody else
She keeps running into herself
Hoping that she'll find somebody better

[Repeat Chorus]

"Gold Dust" by Tori Amos

This is one of my favorite songs on Tori Amos' album, "Scarlet's Walk". Her lyrics speak volumes to me...

Gold Dust

Sights and Sounds pull me back down another year
I WAS HERE I WAS HERE
Whipping past the reflecting pool me + you skipping school
And we make it up as we go along
We make it up as we go along
You said you raced from Langley--pulling me underneath
a Cherry Blossom Canopy
-Do I Have-Of course I have, Beneath my raincoat,
I HAVE YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS.
And the sun on your face
I'm freezing that frame
And somewhere Alfie cries and says "Enjoy his every smile.
You can see in the dark
Through the eyes of Laura Mars"--
How did it go so fast--you'll say as we are looking back and then we'll understand we held gold dust in our hands
Sights and Sounds
Gaslights Glow in the Street (FLICKERING PAST)
Twilight held us in HER palm as we walked along
And we make it up as we go along
We make it up as we go along.
Letting names HANG in the AIR
What color hair (auburn crimson)
Autumn knowingly stared
And the day that she came
I'M FREEZING THAT FRAME
I'm freezing that frame
And somewhere Alfie smiles and says
"Enjoy her every cry."

WHAT LIES HIDDEN

A bright sound surrounds the air.
As it passes through the swaying trees,
Many people turn and stare
At a young girl;
Her joy-filled laughter, her beautiful smile.
A life of perfect happiness
Is all that anyone sees.

Her face illuminated, almost glowing.
It seems nothing could've ever happened
To shatter her dreams.
Take a glimpse, though
For a moment
At what isn't showing.
Look past those radiant, sunlit beams.

An expanding dark cloud fills her heart.
Spreading throughout the depths of her soul,
Begging to be released;
While wanting to be a part of something more
Than just a world;
The theft of all innocence.

Standing alone in a room, screaming
And no one hears.
Desperate to escape this way of life;
Only to be confronted 
Yet again by unshakable doubts;
Deliberately planted over time.
Behind those beautiful eyes;
The holders of unknown elements,To reveal the greatest of our fears.

She reaches out but nothing is there.
What was once had
Is now gone.
Slipped so suddenly through her fingertips;
Falling too far beyond reach.
She could spend forever looking,
But some things 
Were never meant to be found.

She remembers a time
When she was once free.
A child running through a rainbow of flowers,
While getting lost in all the wonders
Of such an immense, blue sky.
The color of it, how it got there, and why.

We often see the smile of someone
Who appears to have nothing to hide.
Perhaps there might be

More than meets the eye.

For it doesn't take much to truly see,

So much that's hidden inside.

 

-Sheena Leigh Sherrange

 
~Sheena Leigh Sherrange

*Forgotten Memory*

I know you hear me,
But you don't reply.

I know you see me,
But you look away.

I know you feel my pain,
But you don't cry out.

I know you shed my tears,
But you show no emotion.

I know you're reminded of me,
But you don't remember

What I meant to you.

ENEMY

I feel as though
I am set to self-destruct
At any time
On any day
Never knowing when
The moment will come
Keeps me living
In a permanent state
Of such a fear
I can't escape
I've tried to run
So many times
For so many years
As long as I can remember
Always to find
Yet another dead end
Whoever designed
Such a maze
Forgot to include the way out
But I'm a *star*
When it comes to pretending
All is Well in Wonderland
At least I have succeeded
In something
The ability to hide
All that I truly am
From anyone
And everyone
I know now
I could run
A trillion miles
With my enemy
The one I flee from
Always following me
No matter where I go
So I can cry those tears
And wish upon a *star*
Numb my mind
All the time
Avoiding all reality
I can do these things
So easily
Almost without thought
Becoming
Second nature
Trading off
One for another
But how do I
Leave myself
My own worst enemy
Long and far behind?

NORMAL v. ME

"What is NORMAL anyway?"
(and so begins this never-ending debate...)

I happen to know.
Proven, REAL LIFE experience
I've somehow found.
I'm certain of one question
And its' answer at least,
How do I know?
Why, because,
NORMAL is everything but me.

"How is it now,
YOU suddenly know
Something we've already known?
Never proven, DREAM LIFE explanation
Without a need to be found.
We're certain of all questions
And every answer at least,
How do we know?
Why, because,
NORMAL is everyone like me."

Everyone NORMAL has problems
And great times of stress
In fact,
No one NORMAL is ever immune,
To any part of life's mess.

Tell me then,
Could it be true
That NORMAL helped
Make all of you
Ignorant to the suffering
Of so many unlike you,
To the places in life
Where you've never been to?

Because it's NORMAL
To turn our backs on
Those who are hungry and sad;
With nowhere to go
And when nothing is all
They've ever had.

Our homeless are sleeping
In beds stolen
From a NORMAL, successful, wealthy
Leftover dirt pile.
Thrown out along with
An ugly pair of shoes;
That none of you
Ever had to choose.

While it's NORMAL to claim
It's all due to choices
They've made,
How can anyone know
It's only their sins to blame?
Making such

Immediate and harsh

Judgments

When you have yet to learn
Even their first name.

A NORMAL cruise control
Set to worry-free days,
In the latest Mercedes.
Such a fine style of living
When a full stomach
And a place to call home
Are certain luxuries
Some won't ever
Be privileged enough
To ever have known.
Maybe the real sin here,
Is the NORMAL refusal
To be a little more giving.

So NORMAL navigates on through,
And I barely get so much
As a glance
From any of you.
Appearing, pausing
In the manner of a still frame,
I happen to see a glimpse
Of NORMAL'S point of view.
An SUV window
Those bold letters
Yelling at me, too.
A slogan asking a question,
"WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?"

Ironic how His Words
Spoke so clearly
Yet all true meaning
We've somehow lost.
Ironic how He died
For every single one of us.
For?
Or Because Of?
You And Me?
He went against the NORMAL,
View of Society
You see.
So in the end,
So NORMAL were we,
We didn't even hesitate.
Crucifying Him
To that massive, torturous cross.
Yet He forgave us,
Yes, even me
Even you,
Here's another question,
"WHAT GOOD DOES HATE DO?"

As NORMAL preaches its' politics
To all who can hear
The hypocrisy speaks
Louder than crystal clear.

"Go get a job,
On your knees, get down.
And if one doesn't pay enough,
Well go and get two."

"Get off your lazy rear,
Even though
There's not one career
Left in your bankrupt, American town.
Once family-owned businesses,
Thrived on Main Street.
Now desolate and empty
Crumbling buildings of dreams;
Fought against Corporate Wal-mart,
No competition for billions of dollars,
And so was easily beat."

"It's time we overturned Roe v. Wade,
Ending all abortion.
I'm pro-life
The innocent without a voice;
For the unborn I must fight.
Although so many babies,
Are deathly sick and starving
And in this Country,
We all know
Health care is a privilege,
Not a right.
And it's Socialism for even
The smallest of a portion
Of tax dollars to go
To feed and keep healthy,
Our Nation's future,
Our very own children."

"Get off the welfare
And go to school.
Can't afford day care?
Well, sucks to be you.
I cast my vote
Cutting all funding
That helped keep your only lifeboat,
Even partially
Afloat.
Why does it seem to be
That everyone wants a handout,
From hardworking, NORMAL people like me?"

Just maybe,
All we really want
Is for your expensive shoe
To stop kicking us when we're down,
Stomping deeper, deepest
Beneath your ground.
A difficult realization,
I know,
To come to.
But is that really so hard
For NORMAL people like you?

I suppose it is,
When the heart of ignorance
Lives in bliss.
You don't see yourself
As being unkind.
So how can anyone
Realize any of this?
When walking around
In the dark,
With NORMAL slowly,
Making us even more blind.

"What is NORMAL anyway?"
I happen to know.
How do I have the answer?
Why, because, NORMAL
Is everyone like me.
You want the secret?
Here it is, listen closely
So you know down which path
The NORMAL people go."

I've heard this all
A thousand times before.
Still, I manage to force
A NORMAL, fake smile
Pretending to be enlightened
By another disillusioned giver
Of the utmost advice.
And nothing changes
As I follow along for awhile
Once again,
On NORMAL'S grand tour.

"It's so easy," you say,
But I notice you left
Those manipulated, puppet strings
Showing.
"Prioritize, de-clutter, laugh with a friend,
Relax with candles
In your bubble bath,
It'll give you your second wind."

"Schedule a date night
For you and your spouse.
Perhaps dinner,
Then a movie.
You won't even fight.
And forget rather soon
How your son was taken away,
And locked up in JUVIE."

"With all problems solved,
Now your marriage can last.
Don't smoke, eat healthy,
Oh the benefits you'll reap
And in between those three jobs,
Make sure, every night
To get eight hours of sleep."

"Take your kids on vacation,
They'll finally be happy.
When they see, in costume,
Smiling, waving, just for them
The famous Mickey Mouse.
They'll forget rather soon, too.
That the bank is still coming
To foreclose
On their house."

"Remember what's most important to you;
NORMAL'S APPEARANCE.
So touch up the paint,
Until your picket fence
Is whiter than white.
Remember,
Out with the old
And in with the new.
Completely re-do
Every room
In your two-story, NORMAL
Suburbian home.
You may start to worry
About all the expense,
But no one NORMAL ever said,
That the key
To ultimate happiness
Was free."

"Still feeling depressed?
Still feeling blue every day?
Just talk to your doctor
So he can prescribe for you
Something to make
That ABNORMAL feeling
Go away.
Now you can't sleep?
Overly anxious and stressed?
Not for long, because,
We have a pill for that, too."

"And any time your meds
Cease to work anymore,
We'll just up the dosage;
Gradually higher
Until it smashes into the sky.
You might be addicted,
But at least you can see
NORMAL'S face in the mirror,
With your own slowly fading
Away as you die."

Please tell me,
Why it is
An identical tune you all sing?
Such solutions as these
Only apply to the NORMAL ideal,
Of what we are all supposed to be.
And I already told you, so please
Understand that NORMAL
Is not me.

"Just try being NORMAL,
You'll like it, you'll see,"
Again you attempt to try
And convince me.

"Just try it, you'll see,
Like Sam I am
With the green eggs and ham."

I realize you're confused,
The moral of the story
I must stop to point out,
Although it's confusing for me, too.
When a small child
Can understand without a doubt
And a grown-up adult
Seems to not have a clue.

We shouldn't despise
That which is different
To us, seldom seen
Whether it's ham
Or some eggs
Assumed rotten
'Cause they look green.
Or whether it's people
Who don't seem to fit
Into NORMAL'S disguise.

If you would only
Give us a chance,
You'll see,
We're like Sam I Am
We don't give up
So easily.
Have you ever considered instead,
Perhaps we hold the key
And you an illusion
Of what NORMAL is supposed to be?

Maybe Sam I Am
Will give it one last shot
And offer you, once again,
A chance to try
Those green eggs and ham.

Let's hope he hasn't
Gone and run away
After years and years
Of no one listening
To anything he had to say.
Yet he always offered
His listening ear to all of you
And remembers like yesterday,
The words you all threw.
"I don't like you, Sam I Am"
"I don't like your green eggs and ham".

Acceptance is now
His greatest fear,
No one would just ever
For a moment, let him be.
Why can't we accept someone
Whose mind paints a different shade,
Like green, or blue,
Yellow, or tangerine,
More beautiful than NORMAL
Could ever dream to be.

NORMAL has no color
And so rejects
The unfamiliar.
Scribbling all over
The unique hues of green,
Covering up with pictures
Of what NORMAL wants instead,
The things NORMAL quite clearly
Has already said.
Even still, in the end,
NORMAL will never, ever
Defeat me.

~Sheena Leigh Sherrange

ALONE AGAIN

Alone, again
I cry.
I listen to waves
Of clear, silent sound
All around me.
I try to breathe
Some of it in
For any sort of comfort
Unable to grasp
Even the thought
Long enough.

Alone, again
I see you.
From a distance
Every memory flows
Back through my mind
As though it were
Yesterday
As though it were
A Lifetime ago
You're only a ghost
Now.

Alone, again
I think.
About all the things
That haunt me
This wall I've built up
Shuts out
All that Hurts
Also keeping out
All that Loves
Leaving only
Millions of thoughts
For company.

Alone, again
I wonder.
Sometimes
If it would've been better
Had I never met you
What once was,
I can never go back to
The only thing left
As a reminder
This permanent ache
Within me
Which stays
Always
Never leaving
Never going
Unlike you.

Alone, again
I cry
And sometimes
Even my tears
Seem to run dry
Like the desert
Yet they find
Some kind of way
To continue flowing on,
and on
In the waves
Of clear, silent sound.

Alone. Again.

*A Lonely Tear*

A single, lonely tear
Slowly forms itself in my eye;
Not wishing to be created out of fear
Only to confess every truth,
While disputing every lie.

Somehow the tear finds a way
Through layers upon layers
Of euphoric happiness;
rarely shown.
Of isolated pain;
merely bandaged.
At first glance,
No one has a word to say,
For sudden vulnerability
has been openly lain.

As that tear
Falls down my face,
I taste the salt
mixed with hate;
Gagging on the disgrace.
HERE
I have stayed
to merely wait.
In search of someone,
something,
anyone else
to blame.

I realize now,
Surprisingly I am calm.
I hold my own
My own doing,
My own faults,
My own life
Clasped tightly in my palm.

So I run, I run
Fast, even faster
Than I ever have before.
Along the road
from which I came.
Only now I see
How much Everything,
How Everyone
Grew tired of waiting for me.
All has been changed,
as I've finally arrived
Only years too late.

This tear reveals memories
Always with me.
Moments in time imprinted
with unforgotten meaning.
And no one can see
this unsteady wall,
About to fall
the one against I keep leaning.

A lonely tear drops,
Giving a brief glimpse
of what lies within me.
Time itself slows
and stops.
As a single tear
is frozen
For all the world to see.

*Rise Above*

A tiny face
Looks into mine
Depending on me
For every answer.
"What is the World, Mama?"
How do I explain,
Certain things he doesn't need
To ever discover.
Like how the World
Stripped me of my dignity.
How Its People laughed,
And made me cry.
Made me feel worthless,
And wanted me to die.
Simply because
They don't know
Who they are;
Who I am;
Who you are.
Making you find yourself
All alone,
And starving
For meaningless, Golden Approval
From those who aren't even capable
Of Loving.
I think awhile
And so I tell him,
When he faces the World
What he might do.
I know I cannot
Hide any longer
Beneath this face
The World has shaped.
"So, Little One,
Rise above it All.
Do something,
Be someone,
Different from all the rest.
Don't be like those
Who are Forever The Same.
And though it may sound
Completely Absurd,
Love them All...
Anyway."